“Basketball”
My mother always gave me presents of shirts with basketballs on them, Nike
basketballs, a basketball cake, and other things. In the future, I would like that my own
house look like a ball, round and big. I want my clothes to have basketballs on them,
any food I eat to be shaped like basketballs, and an HDTV shaped like a basketball.
That is what I want. I want anything and everything with only basketballs and no other
type of ball.
I passed the ball to someone to make sure the ball had enough air. I was
shooting the ball during the warm up before the start of the game. I am practicing with
the ball, balling on the street. If outside the house there was a ball, I would be excited
to grab it. After I shoot the ball into the hoop, I run back to defense. If I shoot and miss,
I will accept that and move on. When I was a sophomore in high school, I played the
position of wing. I was good at shooting three pointers and driving the ball in for a
layup. I love basketball, it is very important to me. The ball is like my girlfriend, I will not
lose it.
When I was younger and living in Chicago, I wrote my name with a magic marker
and it said “Joshua”. Many of the boys who went to the park to play had basketballs and
I didn’t know which one was my ball. I want to prove to them which is mine because it
had my name on it. I hate it when anybody steals my ball. It is immature and wrong.
Anyone can go to the store and buy a new the ball. The basketballs are cheap, pricing
about $20.00.
If I am bored, I go and play with my brother and a basketball. That is better
than doing nothing. I always go play hoops outside at the park with my younger brother.
I would do that every year but only in the summer, it is too cold in the winter to play
outside. I hate that when I play with the basketball a lot, it loses air. It wastes my time
because then I have to fill it with air.
The basketball is made by many different companies and in different countries
around the world. I like the basketballs made in the United States better. Two
years ago I used a ball from Europe and I did not like the way it felt, it was weird, not
comfortable. I like the basketballs from America they are better than the European
basketballs. All the basketballs used by the girls and boys teams are from America, the
ball cannot change to any other country. The new basketballs that are being made do
not seem bland; they have a different kind of new ball design. I never thought a new ball
design could look so good; much better than the old one.
Peer Review:
ReplyDeleteI think this essay could use a personal experience, such as maybe an important basketball game you have played. I think it needs more details, such as what were you feeling when you were playing that important game? What type of ball was used? Did you wear a uniform? What did it look like?
The main point is clear, basketball, which is good. It just needs to be longer and you should narrow your writing to one thing about basketball.
Your experiences with basketball are certainly a good choice of topic for your sports theme. I understand from this your love of the sport. Some of this almost has the quality of poetry because it is so short and bounces a bit (no pun intended) from one thing to another. the first paragraph, for example, goes from passing the ball before a game to playing on the street to grabbing a ball to basketball shirts.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your peer reviewer that this needs more details and details that focus on something more specific--a specific game or the challenges of playing without being able to hear or a relationship with a coach or teammate. You might start just by writing down as much as you can what you remember about playing.
Because you don't have too many details here, I have a hard time figuring out what your main point is for the reader. What are you saying beyond just that you love basketball? How is your reader going to connect? A key line seems to be "The ball is like my girlfriend, I do not lose it." Maybe there's a way to develop this by exploring more about why basketball is so important in your life (and is it still as important as it was?)
I think it might help you to brainstorm some ideas if you could see a tutor in the writing Center (or have you worked with Denise in the Quest Lab upstairs?), or come see me during office hours.
In terms of grammar and usage, your writing is quite good!